"He's Gone"

This is going to be a hard one for me. It's with a heavy heart that I write this blog letting everyone know that my loyal friend Otis passed away last Thursday, April 24th. Some of you may know that Nathaniel and I took a small vacation last week to Las Vegas. In the weeks before we left, Otis had been slowly declining. Mom called me before we left and asked me if I wanted her to call me if they got to a point where they decided that the time had come to let Otis go. I struggled with the question and finally decided that I would have to wait until I got back because I knew that hearing that he had passed while I was gone would completely ruin any good time I would be having (and fill me with guilt for not being there with him). On the first day I called and checked on the babies and couldn't resist asking "Did Odie have a better night last night?" We called him Odie, Odie Toadie, Toad and sometimes even Toaderson. Anyone with a pet knows what I am talking about. Anyway, my mom's response was a simple and quiet "No" and I think I knew in my heart at that moment that I had lost my friend even though the optimist in me wanted to think that perhaps he was sleeping soundly at her feet still. Through the rest of my trip, Otis would enter my mind from time to time and I would want to call and check and just ask in the hopes that the response would be "He's doing better today. He pounced on his bone and got up for bread." The realist in me knew that this was probably not the case though and so I resisted my burning question. When we got back and arrived to trade vehicles and pick up the babes it was like a giant elephant following me around as I knew I had to ask, but didn't want to. I knew the answer. I successfully procrastinated until it was almost time to depart and I finally mustered up my courage and prepared my heart. "How is Odie? Better?" I asked, already knowing the answer. I could see in my mom's quick lip quiver before she could even answer that he wasn't "He's gone" she said, choking back on her tears. The tears streamed down my face and continued to stream for most of the evening. My kids and my husband helped me to smile for a while, but as soon as the babes went to bed, it hit me like a truck that he wasn't going to be there the next visit, or ever. There are so many fond memories that I have of Otis. He was "my" dog. He was the best it gets for me. I just remember him scratching at the back door when he was younger and when you would come to let him in, he would bolt off and chase a squirrel then look back with pride to make sure you saw what he was doing. He would do almost anything for bread. Plain and simple bread. It was his favorite. He was a bed hog!!! Many nights I would lay down to sleep, only to feel his giant paws pressing on the mattress next to me and he would climb up and snuggle in for the night. I didn't have the heart to send him away or tell him no even though he tipped the scales at 207 pounds in his prime. He was a special one. He was my protector. Mastiffs are known to use their size to intimidate and Otis was no exception. He would stand between me and anything that he found threatening. He would stand sideways as if to say "Try to get to her, I dare you." There were so many quirks with Otis. So many things that I will remember about him for years to come. For the rest of my life. I remember looking out at him in the yard, laying on the hill in the sun. In his last few years, Otis liked to lay in the sun. Our theory was that the sun/warmth felt good on his old joints. He was really beautiful. I made sure to ask mom if someone stayed with Otis when he crossed over and she assured me that he passed with her loving him and petting his head. I couldn't have asked for more for him. She told me he was so tired. He really just closed his eyes without any resisting at all. He was ready. I think that anyone that has gone through this with a pet wants, on a selfish level, to keep them around. I know that it's ok though. I am making peace with it. Slowly, I will. I told Nathaniel last night "It's going to take some time for me to get over Otis." He already knew though. I look at pictures of him and cry, but it will pass and I will recall of my good memories with him, many of them mentioned here.
With the few pets I have lost in my life, I often ask myself afterward why in the world I keep getting more when it hurts so much to lose them. With Otis it has finally hit me though. These feelings that I have now are part of that reason. I am so sad because of the loss. I am sad because he gave me such enjoyment and such unconditional love for so many years and it's gone. He gave me so much. I cannot imagine not having that in my life. He's at peace now but there is no doubt for me that I will see Otis again someday. His fluffy ears, his giant head and those big "cow" eyes. Until then, I will keep him in my heart and my memories.